A poem by Simon Tester
Miss Trunchbull
They called you scary
They called you mean
But to me you’ll always be my queen
I was young, but not afraid
For you looked ravishing
With your hair in a braid
My friends talked of girls
My friends talked of football
All I cared for was my darling Miss Trunchbull
<
What made you angry?
What made you sad?
If you could only see the love that I had
It doesn’t leave you
A love like that
It only grows larger
Like a greedy house cat
You’ll always be
The one for me
But you were only a character
You were imaginary.
The Story
Miss Trunchbull was arguably my first true love. When people ask me what I look for in a woman, I simply pull out my folded photo of Miss Trunchbull. After realising Miss Trunchbull was not a real person at the age of 26, I began searching far and wide for Pam Harris, the actress who played Miss Trunchbull. I was convinced she may prove to be my future wife, unfortunately, the years had not been kind to Pam and I had the dawning realisation that at the age of 67 she was unlikely to conceive our child. I abandoned the mission.